This blog won’t be successful without some sort of clear goal in mind. However, I’m starting this with only a vaguest spark of inspiration.
I felt today that I wanted to produce something. This urge felt very fragile, as inspiration tends to be. It strikes up as a hot spark but can so easily be blown out, or perhaps fanned into something far greater. The question is, do I have the control over that gust of wind that will decide whether or not this inspiration extinguishes or thrives?
It’s the weight of possibility that burdens me.
I’m about to start my last year in university. But my god, it makes me so anxious. I’ll surely be able to walk away with a degree and satisfactory grades, but I still don’t feel like I’ve gained much in the way of experience and skills. A number of others in my position have already completed internships, developed their professional social circles that will more than likely cushion their entrance into society, have paved paths for themselves, etc.
As for me, I’m still contemplating whether or not I even made the right choice for my major…But I slogged through and the finish line is in sight. I’m not one to leave something unfinished. Okay, that’s a lie. I’m tempted to not even finish this post.
I’m realizing how dry and stuffy this all sounds so far. What I am is a college senior, wondering what the heck the future holds in store for me, and feeling totally unprepared to step out into the world and try out my fledgling wings for the first time (whee, cliché metaphors are great). I’m the type that doesn’t like to try something until I’m more or less sure that I won’t outright fail. Right now, my life before me feels like one big failure waiting to happen.
The concept of “bittersweet” is one that is drummed up in my mind time and time again. I first became conscious of it when I decided that my favorite ending to a novel or ending was one where there was a tinge of pain/loss/regret even when all else has been settled happily enough. The best way I can describe it is through a description of a cup of coffee paired with a rich dessert. The more you eat of a luscious, fudgy slice of chocolate cake, the less you actually seem to enjoy it. But take a sip of coffee (preferably only with a bit of milk) between each bite and it’s very nearly like taking that first orgasmic pleasurable taste. There are many experiences in life just like that.
My long-distance relationship is another appropriate example. Love is wonderfully sweet. But I am denied so much due to the distance that stretches bitterly between us. We are an example of a pair that met and fostered our relationship online, never having many of even the simplest of pleasures a couple experiences, such as holding hands.
So this last year represents something else to me. It is the possibility that in approximately one year’s time I might finally be able to hug for the first time the boy I’ve been loving from afar. And how so so so so sweet it will be after tasting bitterness all this time.
So, although I’m afraid, there is yet hope in this concept. Bitterness now might make what sweetness there is to come all the more enjoyable and wonderful.